Thursday, November 29, 2007

Thou shalt be Vegetarian

Sometimes it seems as though the earth is a very difficult puzzle with carefully hidden solutions to nearly all human problems. The puzzle is so difficult that it's taken thousands of years just to get it partially solved. Many of the answers have come in the form of plants: foods, medicines, fuels, building materials, clothing materials, etc.

In the Book of Genesis, by my interpretation, God plainly intended our needs to be served by plants, not animals. While God did say that man would rule over the animals, he didn't say anything about using them for food. For that he said:

"I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground -- everything that has the breath of life in it -- I give every green plant for food." (New International version)

Whatever version of the Bible you read, the Book of Genesis goes on at such length about seed-bearing trees and green plants and gardens that you'd think you were reading a botany manual. It's clear that when He was designing earth, and showing the blueprints to the planning commission, his general idea was: "We have these things called Plants, and we have these other things called Animals; my plan is for the former to feed the latter."

A good plan, if you think about it. The audience claps, and then someone raises their hand and asks "What about these humans? Can you elaborate on them?"

God beams and explains: "The humans are also animals, certainly, but they are the crown jewel, my signature piece of work, so to speak. You see, they sort of resemble me. A little bit of branding and self-promotion -- I won't deny it."

"So sort of the Rolls Royce of animals?" the questioner asks.

"Precisely" say God.

I really believe that God intended earth to be vegetarian, but somewhere along the way things screwed up. By the time you get to the Book of Leviticus, there are bizarre pronouncements regarding the eating of meat, such as the prohibition against ingesting blood. By this time the product -- earth -- had already long been released on the market, and God was in damage-control mode. There were some major glitches He hadn't foreseen, compelling Him to issue some stern caveats, sort of like those recall cards you get in the mail informing you that if you don't take your Honda in for service immediately, the brakes might fail and you may go careening off a cliff. In God's case, He was faced with animals eating animals -- not a pretty sight.

"Attention Consumer" the notice read, "Due to unforeseen technical complications, I implore you that, if you must consume each other, then do not -- I repeat DO NOT -- ingest the blood of whomever you are eating. Living blood is known to contain chemicals harmful to humans and all other animals."

Upon which some consumers took the advice to heart, while others threw the notice in the garbage.

And now, God is like a General Motors executive cloistered in his office, on the one hand nursing his wounded pride, but on the other feeling privately disgraced at the high rollover rate of his current line of SUV's. He looks out the window and sees... Detroit, and shudders inwardly at the world that came to pass, so utterly different than the one He envisioned in the Book of Genesis.

But the basic design elements are still there: plants and animals. The plants contain carefully encrypted solutions to animal problems. The cause of these problems is simple: animals eating animals. It makes you crazy. It's up there with eating shit. But the good news is that the Book of Isaiah tells us that in the fully refurbished, glitch-free world that will follow this screwed up one, the lion will lay down with the lamb. In other words, the world will be vegetarian.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Canadian & Australian actors

Has anyone noticed that so many of the new, talented "American" actors are actually Canadian or Australian? Is this another sign of U.S. decline? Or is it a tribute to the talent coming out of those fine, friendly nations?

We've had the British Invasion for some time, in theater and music... I suppose this is a variation on that theme?

Canada: Jim Carrey, Kiefer Sutherland, Brendan Frasier, Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox (I'll add to this list as I recall 'em)

Australia: Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts, Heath Ledger, Cate Blanchett (I'll add to this list as I recall 'em)

Canandian geography

I'm back in the crossword puzzle habit, which is a good thing. They always have obscure, geography-related clues: the capital of Yemen, William Tell's canton, the city north of Calgary. Those would be Sana; Uri, Switzerland; and Red Deer.

Red Deer... Somehow that got me thinking about Canadian geography. Places like Moose Jaw. Moose Jaw! What a name, let alone an object. Canada... so close, so huge, so peculiar. I'm certain I would make a good Canadian. But there's a Canadian consciousness that I've only barely scratched. There's something going on with those HUGE hotels out in the middle of places like Manitoba, Alberta, and Saskatchewan. I picture lots of moose heads, tanned leather, HUGE fireplaces. A tough people, the Mountie mentality.

Over in Quebec, a geologic oddity: a huge, perfectly round lake with a perfectly round island in it. The Manicouagan Reservoir, created by an asteroid. This is amazing! The beauty of it is best seen from space. Why didn't they tell me about this in school?

Friday, November 09, 2007

Glenn Beck + Deepak Chopra = net positive

While it's true that an earlier entry of this blog explored the concept "Glenn Beck is an idiot", I must confess that my respect for GB went up 2% when he interviewed Deepak Chopra. Chopra came across as so informed, so wise, and so transcendently non-partisan that I am convinced he plowed new neural pathways in Beck's formerly boxed-in brain.

now it all makes sense...

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography... Ambrose Bierce